I recently watched Good Grief, a film by Daniel Levy that explores the surreal, often disorienting experience of loss.
Grief can often feel surreal, so it’s reassuring to see others’ experiences and understand what is normal.
Three quotes struck a chord with me in particular:
“I’ve been reading that the brain is like a muscle that’s why getting over death is so hard because your brain has been trained to feel things for a person and when they go away your head is still operating under the impression that it should feel those things for that person like muscle memory”.
When we lose someone, our brain struggles to adjust because it’s accustomed to the presence of that person. Similar to how our muscles remember repetitive actions, our neural pathways retain emotional and behavioural “maps” tied to the person we have lost. When they’re gone, the brain resists recalibrating, as those pathways are ingrained, making it difficult to “unlearn” these feelings. It is so difficult to comprehend the concept that loss is forever. It’s disorientating and painful.
“It’s like an ache right here – loss – like little ulcer right here that never goes away and you somehow figure out ways to take your mind off it enough to not feel it as much, but sometimes you lose sight of what’s going on around you because you just want to be able to breathe the way you did before”
In the dual process model of grief, people alternate between confronting and avoiding their loss. This model suggests that while part of the mind may actively process memories and emotions tied to the loss (causing emotional pain or chest tightness), the other part may pull back, seeking temporary distractions to manage day-to-day functioning. This back-and-forth allows gradual healing as individuals shift between focusing on life changes and taking breaks from the intensity of grief. Both phases are essential for adjusting to loss.
“To avoid sadness so also to avoid love. And that hindsight is a discomfort that you will forever mistake for indigestion”
Grief is a natural result of deep connection. If you are grieving, you are not alone. This time of year can be especially painful.
It can really help to reach out for support, whether from friends, family, or professional resources.
Here are some organisations that can help:
Cruse Bereavement Support – Offers free grief support via helplines, one-on-one sessions, and local services. cruse.org.uk
Samaritans – Provides 24/7 emotional support for anyone in distress. Call 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.
Mind – Mental health resources, including guidance on bereavement and loss. mind.org.uk
Child Bereavement UK – For families and young people experiencing loss. childbereavementuk.org
